The newspapers have started to put up ‘best of the decade’ lists and round-ups of notable events. Thought I’d do the same. 2000-2010 was a big decade for me. Children, books, a few awards. Generally good stuff. Some of it was quite exciting. Could the next decade possibly live-up to that? Here are my highlights of the decade 2010-2019.
2010. Mike Love (not the former singer from the Beach Boys, although he actually does look a bit like him) stepped on my toe during a 5-a-side football match. My toenail blackened and fell out. When it grew back, it was manky. It stayed manky for the entire decade. My manky toenail provided the third in my Holy Trinity of Woes, ie the things on which my mind would dwell, when in neutral: how bad my hair looked; how my teeth hurt; how manky my toenail was.
2011. I saw some dog poo with some bird poo on it.
2012. I officially went from a 36 to a 38 waist-size.
2013. During a hot spell, I wore some shorts to the British Library. I abandoned the experiment after a few days, unable to take the pressure of having to keep my legs clean.
2014. I wrote a poem called The Whelk. In it I compare myself to a whelk.
2015. I wrote a poem called The Manatee. In it I compare myself to a Manatee.
2016. I invented a new game. When you see a stick on the ground, you approach it in such a way as to avoid breaking stride (there’s a lot of skill to this), plant your left foot firmly on one end of the stick, and smartly kick the other end, thus breaking the stick in half, and sending the severed section scuttling across the pavement and onto the road.
2017. I accidentally bought some red trousers from off of the internet. I thought they would be more, you know, umber or brick coloured.
2018. Got gallstones. A condition usually associated with overweight, recently post-menopausal women. And now, er, hot, with-it writers of teenage fiction and quirky non-fiction.
2019. My manky toenail got better.
I suppose there’s a chance the next decade may show some improvements. But since when did anything ever spiral up?